The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
