I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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