I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
