Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
