i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
