Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
