He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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