I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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