I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
