Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
