Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
