If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
