just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
