True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
