my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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