He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
