My hand turned me down
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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