He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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