we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
