Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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