So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
