I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just found puke in my bra..
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
