My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
