just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.