A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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