i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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