So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
