I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This house was built for laser tag.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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