Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
