I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
