A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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