So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
