i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
