We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone came in the potted fern
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
