1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
