it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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