great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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