non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
