Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
God, I missed his penis.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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