The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
