At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
