The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
