You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
