i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
