so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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