If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
