dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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