she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
