i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
