Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
