i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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