he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
