The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
a search helicopter?!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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