went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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