Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
