The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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