Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
