1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
