Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
